The ongoing election for the President of the United States seems more like a reality show. Between American reality star, businessman and open opponent of decent hairpieces Donald Trump leading the way and two of the strangest democratic candidates ever – Hillary Clinton, Former second lady to Bill Clinton and First Woman and Speaker of the House; and Bernie Sanders, Colonel Sanders Jewish grandfather. The candidates seem to be spending more time jabbing and belittling each other during debates and on Twitter than trying to make their own views known. However, despite this train wreck of an election there was stranger in the past… this is why the rest of the World laughs at us.
Vermin Love Supreme
Vermin Love Supreme ran as a Democrat in 2012 and is back this year for the presidential election. He says he wants to get rid of our “moral and oral decay,” and use “the awesome power of zombies for energy sources.” However, the BEST part of his platform is that he plans to give every American a free pony if he wins. He is known for his boot hat.
Comedian Pat Paulsen first announced he was running for President in 1968 as the candidate for the Straight Talking American Government (STAG) Party. He described himself as the “common ordinary simple savior of America’s destiny,” and his slogan was “If elected, I will win.” Any time someone criticized him he responded with “Picky, picky picky.” He declared that “issues have no place in a presidential campaign.”
He ran for president 6 times total, and actually finished second to George Bush in 1992 in the North Dakota Republican Primary, as well as finishing second to Bill Clinton in 1996 in the New Hampshire Democratic Primary.
Jello Biafra was the frontman of the Dead Kennedys when he decided to try and get the Green Party nomination in 2000. He lost to Ralph Nader, and it was probably partly due to the fact that he picked death row inmate as his running mate. He wanted to abolish the military, enact a maximum wage and lower the voting age to 5.
Jonathon “The Impaler” Sharkey
Jonathon Albert “The Impaler” Sharkey is an ex-wrestler who also claims to be a vampire. His policy on crime is very violent, to say the least; he called former President HW Bush a communist and a ‘wuss.’ He also once recorded an album of Elvis Presley covers. He lost the election in 2012, but he plans to come back with a vengeance in 2020. I’m scared.
Tennessee native Basil Marceaux has run for office unsuccessfully many times, most recently in 2010 when he promised things like banning police officers from charging suspects for anything but traffic tickets, and the statement on his website reads: “VOTE FOR ME AND IF I WIN I WILL IMMUNE YOU FROM ALL STATE CRIMES FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE!” He also released a Christmas song.
Alaskan Senator Mike Gravel’s election videos from 2008 were probably among the list of the weirdest ever. One involves Gravel staring stone-faced at the camera for about 2 minutes before chunking a giant rock into a lake and walking away. The other is literally a fire crackling…for 7 minutes. Needless to say, he didn’t get very far with these.
James Traficant would have been the first convicted felon to run the country had he won in 1988. He was part of the House of Representatives in Ohio, but was expelled after taking bribes, filing false tax returns, and forcing his coworkers to perform chores on his houseboat. He served 7 years in jail.
Actress Roseanne Barr got as far as filing wit the Federal Election Commission in 2012 under the “Green Tea Party” ticket. Her candidacy promoted mental health and meditation, but she promised to send Wall Street bankers to “re-education” camps, and there was also something about beheading in there. Cross your fingers she doesn’t become The Impaler’s running mate next election.
Joan Jett Blakk
Joan Jett Blakk is a writer and performer who ran for president twice. The first time was under the slogan “Lick Bush in ’92!” and in 1996 the slogan was “Lick Slick Willie in 96!” Clever, but not clever enough to take home the prize.
Homer Aubrey Tomlinson
Homer Aubrey Tomlinson was a former advertising professional turned preacher who ran for president under the “Theocratic Party.” When he lost, he declared himself “King of the World” and staged coronation ceremonies in 101 different countries, where he showed up with a gold-plated crown, an inflatable glove and a folding chair for his throne.